Cross My Heart

"You were ordinary until You came and saved me.
This is not what it seems.
Now You've taken me by surprise and given me new life."
- The Things You Were by Deas Vail

Memories came flooding back to me today, in the way they so often do. Good and bad memories alike. Three long years worth of both. The things I've seen. All I've learned. How God captured my attention. And how He brought me everything I needed. Whether that thing be a place where my newfound passion for Him could florish, a job so that I could learn to be a light for Him, or a girl named Meg. He's given me it all. My how I have changed.

The strange thing is, I had all of these memories because of a broken string. I shall start at the beginning of said memories.

It was 2008. I believe October, but I'm not positive. Up until that point, my life had been simple. I did what I was told because I was told to. I went to church on Sundays and sung the songs and answered all the questions. I genuinely believed that Jesus paid for my sins by dying on the cross. But thats as far as it went. I was trying to live the way I wanted, not how I knew God would want me to live.

As those lines so perfectly describe, God was "ordinary" for me. He didn't matter all that much. Not when what He said kept me from what I wanted. So I ignored what He said. And I did many things I now regret. But thats not the point of this post. Its purpose is to make one thing very clear. God changed me. He spun me around and sent me in the opposite direction from where my heart had been telling me to go.

It was that day in October. I had, not five minutes earlier, made the hardest decision of my life. I chose God's will over my own. Not because I had to. I wanted to. I wanted Him. I didn't care what consequences I'd have to face. And, believe me, there were many. Trust had to be won back, friendships had to be mended, and ties had to be severed. I won't get into that either. Because that is also not the point I mean to convey.

My mind was reeling on that day. I was lost and confused and broken-hearted. On my shelf I saw a cross necklace I had gotten for Christmas a year earlier. I hadn't worn it much. But, in that moment between the tears, I decided I wanted to. I needed something to remind me of what that day meant. My constant use of it after that day wasn't from superstitious beliefs. I just wanted a physical reminder that no object, no girl, and no idea would ever be closer to my heart than my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

That's what my heart became. It became His. I have no idea where my heart went but its long gone and I say "good riddance."

Here I sit. Nearly three years later. Past mistakes don't cross my mind very often. Instead, my attention is centered on a God who stole my heart, a girl whom He brought into my life after she had a little heart-change of her own, and a life that is headed towards terrifying, incredible things.

I wore that necklace almost every second of every day. It was always resting on my chest. Next to my heart, where it belonged. Well, today the string that held the cross broke. It lasted years. And during those years, I went from the boy scared to stand up for God if it meant making enemies in the process, to the young man praying about whether God could use his life for His service.

Its amazing. I can't take credit for any of it. Not the love God showers on me, despite my unworthiness. Not the girl who fell in love with a dork like me. And certainly not the life headed towards more than I could have dreamed up.

I wouldn't trade any of it. Not for the world.

And I plan on wearing that metal cross until the day I die. I want that cross in my presence, until I'm in my Savior's. I want to remember. I want to remember Christ's sacrifice for me and His leading in my life to get me where I am. I can't believe I ever had trouble giving my whole heart to Him. I can't believe I ever chose my own plan over His. Now that I've seen it, I just want His. (I did get a Meg, after all.)