The Day I (Tetris)Battled a Fruit Ninja

A funny thing happened. (By "funny" I mean "hopelessly tragic") I got this odd urge to play Tetris. So like the go-getter that I am, I went on an excursion across the terrifying Interwebs. I googled it and found a free version, but it wasn't terribly good and boredom soon took me. 

Next, I wandered into the hostile jungle called Facebook Games. I found, "Tetris Battle" which was Tetris with a slight twist. All in all, I loved it. It was fast-paced and fun and I was fairly good. l beat most people who I played against. But I didn't just beat them. I stomped on their hopes and dreams as I marched past each one with my pet gerbil, Mockery, following behind.


Everything was going swimmingly. Steadily, I climbed up the ranks. I found myself waiting expectantly for my next chance to sneak a few rounds in. That's been my past few days.


It was glorious fun.


I had found a perfect outlet for my competitive desires. Like a fat kid who finds out that his long-lost uncle owns a bakery and he can eat pastries until he explodes, I was purely joyful. This outlet was even free from the clutches of a certain brother. This wasn't Minecraft or Call of Duty or Portal. Here was something I could be good at and not be shown up constantly.


*shakes head at self*


I overlooked one tiny detail. Meg. It turns out that Meg also likes Tetris. So she started playing it. In one round she had surpassed my record (the one that took hours of practice to attain) and get a higher ranking than me. Yup. There went my fun. With the speed of a ticked off hurricane, my sense of accomplishment was swept out of sight and lost to oblivion.


I'll admit, my heart broke.


I don't blame Meg. She just has this supernatural talent for playing "casual" games and making them seem to involve no effort at all. It's impressive, really. But for a guy who thought he had found his special talent, being shown up so handily is a crushing blow. I shouldn't have been surprised. This was the girl who doubled my record in Fruit Ninja after two attempts.


It was in my dejected musings that a thought occurred to me. There aren't many things I'm good at. Writing is one of them. And here I am, neglecting this, my one true passion. I mean, there aren't any trophies. No one's keeping score. Maybe that's one of the reasons I love writing so much. It isn't about being the best. It's purely about making the very best thing you can.


I'm gonna make this my outlet.


And bygoshbygolly, even if not a single soul reads this, it's gonna be incredible.

Or Else

To the friends and relatives of the oxen that I apprehended last weekend,

Hello there. My name is Gregarious Figglewip. You may call me Isaac. I prefer Isaac. As you may have guessed, your oxen have been abducted. If you inspected the scene of the crime you probably found my business card. I introduced myself there and informed you that Fritz and Roger had been "Ox-napped™"

I hope you don't hold this against me. I'm just a small business man trying to make a living. Nothing personal, ok?

If you want your oxen back, then all you need to do is follow this simple, 4-step plan. I call it the "Youshouldjustdoallofthiswithoutquestionunlessyouwantabulletthroughtheskullofyourlovedone" plan. 

The Youshouldjustdoallofthiswithoutquestionunlessyouwantabulletthroughtheskullof yourlovedone Plan

1. Throw away all of your boxes of minute rice.

2. Eat a croissant everyday at 2 AM, while standing in your neighbor's driveway and singing "The Final Countdown" as loudly as possible.

3. Bring $4.00 to the gas station with the broken down forklift out front and hand it to the handsome man with the expertly cultivated handlebar mustache. (Thats me!)

4. Using the light of the sun and a magnifying glass which I will provide, cook some bacon for me in the parking lot.

Thats really all you need to do. Do all of it exactly as I told you and you just might be snuggling with your oxen for an evening of Wheel of Fortune and eating potato chips by the end of next week.

It's been nice doing business with you. I hope we can do it again sometime.

If you have any questions, please call:

772-257-4501

- Gregarious "Isaac" Figglewip
 

Searching...

It's high time I begin to work on another Faces in Places post. *sighs* What with homework, work, a girlfriend, two novels dancing in my brain, and all the awesomeness I must spread throughout the world, I just don't see how I can do it all.

Well, first things first. I must find faces.