To the friends and relatives of the oxen that I apprehended last weekend,
Hello there. My name is Gregarious Figglewip. You may call me Isaac. I prefer Isaac. As you may have guessed, your oxen have been abducted. If you inspected the scene of the crime you probably found my business card. I introduced myself there and informed you that Fritz and Roger had been "Ox-napped™"
I hope you don't hold this against me. I'm just a small business man trying to make a living. Nothing personal, ok?
If you want your oxen back, then all you need to do is follow this simple, 4-step plan. I call it the "Youshouldjustdoallofthiswithoutquestionunlessyouwantabulletthroughtheskullofyourlovedone" plan.
The Youshouldjustdoallofthiswithoutquestionunlessyouwantabulletthroughtheskullof yourlovedone Plan
1. Throw away all of your boxes of minute rice.
2. Eat a croissant everyday at 2 AM, while standing in your neighbor's driveway and singing "The Final Countdown" as loudly as possible.
3. Bring $4.00 to the gas station with the broken down forklift out front and hand it to the handsome man with the expertly cultivated handlebar mustache. (Thats me!)
4. Using the light of the sun and a magnifying glass which I will provide, cook some bacon for me in the parking lot.
Thats really all you need to do. Do all of it exactly as I told you and you just might be snuggling with your oxen for an evening of Wheel of Fortune and eating potato chips by the end of next week.
It's been nice doing business with you. I hope we can do it again sometime.
If you have any questions, please call:
772-257-4501
- Gregarious "Isaac" Figglewip
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