Friday, September 30, 2011

Hospital Flowers

Today was a day of goodness. Anyone who knows me, as you all do, knows that its been a rough few months. For me and a few of those people who are close to me. Well today I did something very nice for someone I love very much.

I don't mean to brag, mind you. She's done many nice things for me lately too. Its just nice to do something selfless for a change. Be it as simple as a hug, a person who's praying for you, or maybe even some flowers to brighten up a dreary day.

I've been slacking lately. I've been selfish. For that I am truly sorry. I'm praying and begging God to change my heart until its like His. Please be patient with me.

"I tossed and turned
In sterile apathy
Until the violets
Arrived for me

The bouqet burst
And blossoms filled the room
And the place got smaller
As they grew taller
And taught me to bloom."

-Hospital Flowers --Owl City

Disbelief

Disbelief



Under the cloudy canopy

Known to some as northern Tennessee

I found myself in a downpour

That could be called torrential

It wasn’t until then

That my poncho did seem essential



It’s a relief

A release

The gravelly streets and I

Are in disbelief



We walked and you talked

In your all too prudent

New York accent

I hated it

And you bit into

A letter of intent



Catch your gasps of breath

You left me here

To die this death

We both knew

She’d twist us askew

I am finally getting in

And settling

For my title

Of “has-been”



It’s a relief

A release

The gravelly streets and I

Are in disbelief



Hours before the Sun’s alarm

Is set to blare

I’m grinning and shaking

In streetlight after streetlight’s glare

Do you smell worn-out paint splatter?

I don’t either

But that never really mattered

I see the blue

I smell it in the harsher avenues



It’s a relief

A release

The gravelly streets and I

Are in disbelief



The stars aren’t lit up quite yet

I’ve been told they will be

Warmth known to erase regret

I don’t have it in me

To nod and pretend to agree

Nothing is able to reset

Just me



It’s a relief

A release

The gravelly streets and I

Are in disbelief



The scent of gasoline

Warms the innermost parts of me

I’ve tripped and fallen in

Too many caverns

For my liking

Print me out a whole new pattern

I’ll taste the jet black ink

And tell you what I think



It’s a relief

A release

The gravelly streets and I

Are in disbelief

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sidereally Pensive? Not quite.

My hands were twitching and sweaty. My back felt rubbery and like I needed to crack it. The prayers seemed to be winding down. For that, I was glad. Not because I didn't like Prayer Meeting. I love it. I just needed to stretch my legs and walk around. The room was suffocating me.

Then after a lull in the prayers, one of the noticably silent men started to pray. He prays every week and for several reasons I always look forward to it. For months and months God has used him as an encouragement to me. My wandering mind began to pay attention again.

Lo and behold, he was praying for God to keep us focused on Him throughout the week. Instantly, I knew that I hadn't been doing very well in that area. Not lately. Life has been crazy and, as a result, I've been more focused on this world and its problems than God and His plan for me.

My thoughts and attention have been pointed like a laser on the ground in front of me. I've been trying to force my way through life under my own power. That won't end well, and yet I continue fighting God's gentle whispers. Well, He won't keep whispering for long. If I don't turn back to Him, He'll start being more forceful.

How do I know that, you ask? Because He loves me and He knows that what I need is to be with Him. So, even if it causes me momentary discomfort, He'll drag me back to Him. Still, I'd rather not be dragged. I'd rather go willingly the first time.

If you wouldn't mind, please pray for me. Pray that my focus stays on God and heavenly things.

Pray that I spend my nights staring at the stars and whispering praises to the Creator, instead of lamenting the day ahead of me.

Now seems like a perfect time to start. I'm gonna go to bed early. I won't be blogging tonight. Or doing school work. I'm just going to talk to God. Its time we had a good, long talk. Its time I remember how to be sidereally pensive.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

If you ever come back...

... I'll have a grin capable of blinding the most UV protected eyeballs. There won't be any stinkin' sunglasses impairing that beaming.

...Hugs would be passed around to all.

...I'll sit you down and fill you in on the best two years of my life.

...I'll glare at you for missing them.

...I'll be a little bitter that you weren't here when I needed you.

...I'll tell you that I forgave you a long time ago.

...We can celebrate you being here for the rest of my life.

...I'll take on full-time babysitting again.

...You'll see how easy it would have been for you to come back at any point.

...You'll see why you never should have left.

...We won't be missing 3/8ths of this family.

...You can meet the girl who made us eighths. And your future sister.

...I can teach you how to play Fluxx.

...I might have someone who gets how my brain feels right now.

...We could talk for hours at night and remember our amazing childhoods.

...I'd be the happiest, proudest, most thankful little brother.

...Kay and Kalli wouldn't leave my arms, except to maybe go to Josh's.

...I'd stop randomly thinking about Alabama.

...Life might feel just a bit more sane.

...I'd tell you that I have never, don't, and will never think of you as a step sister. It still seems weird to think of that. I know it. I just don't believe it.

...I'd stop having niece withdrawals.

...I'd try to tell you and show you just how much God loves you.

...I'd feel like an 11 year old boy again, looking up to his big sister with a brand new license.

...I'd wonder why things couldn't have been different.

...I'll know why they weren't.

...I'd have both Megs with me.

...I'd listen to a certain Relient K song on repeat.

...I'd squeeze you and tell you I love you, because the last time I did I was barely 16. I'm now almost 18. We're way overdue.

...I'd be super happy as you get acquainted with my best friend. (You two are bound to like each other. Its fate.)

...We could maybe argue again. (I miss that so much...)

...I'd be me again.


"If you ever come back
There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on
And it will be just like you were never gone."
--If You Ever Come Back by The Script

Entitlement

Lessons are painful. You all know the story of Job, right? He's this wealth-ridden, righteous man. God blesses everything he does. Then one day, Satan decides to prove a point and asks God if he can test Job. Job loses everything. A few of Job's friends sit with him to console him. Thus a book of the BIble was born!

Well, after roughly 35 chapters of Job's friends acting as if their wisdom were above God's, God speaks to Job. He does so for several chapters.

Seriously, its just pages and pages of God saying things like...

4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?

Job 38:4-7


Hmm. Point taken.

It sunk into my skull a bit farther today. God really IS in control. Now of course, I knew that. What I seem to have forgotten is that I'm not.

Besides the fact that I fail miserably every time I try to force my will on my life, I also get selfish. I feel entitled to the things I love. If I have to spend a day without Meg, I feel like I've been robbed. Which wouldn't be so bad, except that I never go out of my way to thank God for the days I do have.

If someone dares not thank me for something I did, it eats me up for days. And then I go months and months sometimes without stopping to thank God for the little things He does. Like, you know, feed me and give me breath. Inconsequential things like that.
What's wrong with me? The author of history itself is offering to guide and lead my life and what do I do? I tell Him I can handle things on my own. Then I screw it up. Then I blame Him for how bad my life has gotten. All because I didn't trust Him in the first place.

No wonder God seems a bit frustrated in those verses. Honestly, I'm surprised He bothers to get our attention. We're so fickle.

This attitude of entitlement is so engrained in us that it seems impossible to get rid of. But it isn't. What we need is humility. I need to realize how feeble and finite I am. How pathetic my attempts at righteousness are. I really can't do anything right.

Thankfully, God isn't asking me to. He's asking me to trust Him and follow Him. He doesn't even expect perfection! He knows we'll sin. (He did pay for it already...) He's already forgiven us to the point of not even recalling it. Is it really too much to ask for us to try to follow Him again, even after we stumble? I don't think so. I think its incredibly merciful.

Its mercy I don't deserve, but that's what love means. And Jesus loves me.

(This I know.)

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Maybe

A musical genius of our generation penned such a masterpiece a few years ago. You might have heard of it. The song is "Baby." The musical genius is Justin Bieber. I think I managed to pay decent homage to such a wonderful romp in the world of musical bliss. For the record, I'm giving you the link to the Relient K version, which is actually what I'm spoofing. I wouldn't actually encourage the destruction and bleeding of your poor ears.

Here's the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBgoTYjVRz0

And here's my improved lyrics...

Maybe

Oh no ohh ooh ah
Oh no ohh ooh ah
Oh nooo ohhh oh ha hum

Please don’t ask me
To compare
My two favorite
Teddy bears
You just asked
Me what I thought
But now Im all hopelessly distraught

Oh man, I’m trying
But I can’t choose
It all depends
On point of view
See this one’s Sophie
But his name’s Clyde
They’re so equal
So how could I decide?
And I was like…

Maybe, maybe, maybe ooh
Like maybe, maybe, maybe no
Like maybe, maybe, maybe ooh
How could I ever decide? (d’cide)

Ohhh ohhhh ooh ah
Ooh oh ohhhh ah
Oh ohhh ohhhh ohhhuhho

Oh its true
Its taking me forever
But I can’t help it
He’s multi-colored
Oh but Sophie’s new
Now Im so confused
I’m weighing everything
They’re both endearing
Look at that bowtie
It just melts me
And then she’s over there
Smelling like strawberries
Either could have won, won, won, won
And I just can’t believe
Im forced to choose only one
And I’m like…

Maybe, maybe, maybe ooh
Like maybe, maybe, maybe no
Like maybe, maybe, maybe ooh
How could I ever decide? (d’cide)

Maybe, maybe, maybe ooh
Like maybe, maybe, maybe no
Like maybe, maybe, maybe ooh
How could I ever decide? (d’cide)

(I know I love them)
Maybe, maybe, maybe ohh
(But its not fair)
Like maybe, maybe, maybe no
(To make me pick)
Like maybe, maybe, maybe ohh
(My favorite bear)
(Im saying no, no, no, no)
How could I ever decide? (d’cide)


Ohh ohhhh ohhh ah
Ohh ohhhh ohhh ah
Ohh ohhh ohh ohhuhho

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Listening

My heart's racing as I type this. I don't really know why. Maybe its from the movie I just watched. Or maybe months worth of confusion is finally catching up to me. Maybe I'm just tired.

Thats really the only feeling I've felt consistently for some time. Im tired. Im exhausted. I need a vacation. Suddenly, I have this urge to buy a plane ticket, throw a dart at a globe, and head there. Anywhere sounds nice. I don't know how long I'd be gone. Be it a week or a decade, I can't decide. As long as I was gone.

In all honesty, part of this fantasy of mine revolves around not saying a word to anyone. Just to disappear from everything and start over completely from scratch. I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I certainly don't hate my life or anything. That's the problem. I wouldn't change a single thing. But its overwhelming me. I go through every day waiting for my chest to be crushed in and my heart to pound hopelessly.

I haven't decided what I'm doing. I don't know if I should post this or not. Even if I do, it'll be too late. When anyone reads this, it will be tomorrow. By then I'll have buried these feelings and painted on a smile again. In the morning I can shrug this off. Now? Now I feel broken.

Maybe I'm being dramatic.

Maybe I'm imagining this fear that no one's listening.

Maybe Im crazy for this desire to scream until someone hears.

Maybe its all in my head.

The fear.

The pain.

The overwhelming notion that I just can't do this.

Maybe its time to start talking about it. Talk about it honestly, I mean.

I'm learning something. People aren't perfect. Not even the best ones. There are several people I love with all my heart. I'd give up anything and everything for them, if they merely asked. I know they'd do the same. But they aren't here right now. And I need them. Sure, thats not their fault. How can someone read my mind? They can't.

But I can't tell them that I need them. I like to think that its selflessness. It would be selfish to wake them up or demand their full attention from other important things. Still, I hope they know how much I need their attention.

I've felt like throwing up all day. Im not sure why. Do you remember earlier how I said I wanted to go away alone? It usually feels like I'm already in a strange place and all alone. Even when I'm home or with close friends. Its like a fog comes between me and the world. I know its there, but that doesn't mean I can see through it.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but something IS wrong. No one can fix that for me. Not a mom, not a best friend, not modern medicine, and certainly not me. I'm learning that. This isn't our battle. This is God's. He, and only He, can rid my heart and mind of their demons.

I often get angry at the unfairness. Sometimes, I have to pay the consequences of some thing that wasn't my fault. Sometimes, I get sick of being picked on, judged, and prodded. Sometimes, I want to be left alone. And sometimes, I just need a voice. I need someone to shut off that thirtieth episode of Psych or force themselves awake to talk me through my pain. Sometimes, I need someone who understands the pressure and the pain.

But still I don't ask for help. I sit here typing away, hoping that this blog post heals whatever is wrong. I know it won't. Sometimes, I stare at my phone hoping it'll light up with a message from someone I love. Usually, it doesn't.

Which is only fair. People are only human. They can't know everything. Not unless I tell them. And I can't always tell them. What I need is someone who knows my thoughts and someone who never takes "no" for an answer. I've found Him.

Here's an excerpt from this book I found: "The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them." Psalm 145:18-19

Goodness knows I need some saving! Maybe its time I stop waiting for people to do the saving. Maybe its time I open my arms and let My Savior do the thing He's so very good at. Saving me.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have a conversation to have with my Father. It's time I stop being so stubborn. It's time I let Him wipe away my tears.

I can't do anything without Him. I can't face the reproachful glances that come everytime I screw up. I can't find time for each of the million things that beg for my attention. I can't be patient for adulthood. I can't love anyone as Christ loved me. I can't fend off another panic attack. And neither can you.

Please don't take this as permission to abandon me. I firmly believe that one way God is taking care of me is by giving you to me. Your love is what keeps me from giving up every single day. Don't stop. I would just ask one teeny, tiny favor. Instead of trying to heal me with your own wisdom and love, bring me to His. I think we all need it more anyway.

One last thing. Do you remember my dilemma to post or not to post this? Im posting it. And I'm not even going to edit it. This is me. This is my heart, all poured out. I'm scared, but He's working on that.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

An Age At Least

As you all well know, today is Meg's Day. My plans for this day have been slightly hampered by the constant rain and general gloominess outside. I think thats ok. Ill just have to improvise slightly. Actually, that's all I've been doing this morning. I've been trying to improvise to make up for the fact that I planned most of the day around being outside without once checking up on the weather to make sure he'd behave. Well, he's not.

Maybe it'll work out fine. I sure hope so. All I want is this day to show Meg how much I love her and how wonderfully amazing she is. Believe me, she's amazing. It's gonna take all day to tell her the overview. But more on that later.

You may have noticed that my description changed. In honor of Meg Day, I changed it to a poem that reminds me of her. Its called, "To His Coy Mistress" by Andrew Marshall. I recommend y'all should read it. Its nice and sappy.

I intend to spend everyday for the rest of my life showing this beautiful young woman how much I love her. Sure, sometimes I'll fail miserably. I feel like this week was one of those times. I was caught up in all sorts of confusing, conflicting emotions. My brain wasn't feeling ok. And honestly, I nearly cried in public at least 4 times. Yeah. Its been that kind of a week.

Anywho. I love her so much. And everything about her really is incredible. I just hope I can show her that today.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Meg Day!

Hi! I have wonderful tales of majesty to announce to your wonderful persons. Tomorrow is the 466th day I've been dating a certain Miss Megan Mejia. That is a special day. Not because of the number. I mean, I love the number. Its much better than the last one. But no, the number isn't a milestone or anything.

I'm just going to celebrate Meg. Im going to sort of go on several dates with her. All in one day. I hope she'll like it. I hope she likes the fact that she has a sappy boyfriend. He's not going anywhere and neither is his sappiness.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Some fun with Gmail

Im trying to create a random Gmail account for diabolical purposes. After trying a dozen email options, I ran out of serious ideas. So I started throwing out random ideas. It scares me that some of these were taken. Wanna see? Course you do...


Mrsbiebs
Mrbiebs
Imurderedyou
breads
uganda
ticklish
questforgold
nosepicker
castle
crocodilesoup
cantthinkofanything
cantthinkofanything2
whyamihere
axemeaquestion
verysadlife
idontuseemail
boccetime
iheartdave
nomoretoast
whoblogs
weedies
completebreakfast
worthyoflove
smoothies
hotmail
knucklesammich

I don't even know...