The Listening

My heart's racing as I type this. I don't really know why. Maybe its from the movie I just watched. Or maybe months worth of confusion is finally catching up to me. Maybe I'm just tired.

Thats really the only feeling I've felt consistently for some time. Im tired. Im exhausted. I need a vacation. Suddenly, I have this urge to buy a plane ticket, throw a dart at a globe, and head there. Anywhere sounds nice. I don't know how long I'd be gone. Be it a week or a decade, I can't decide. As long as I was gone.

In all honesty, part of this fantasy of mine revolves around not saying a word to anyone. Just to disappear from everything and start over completely from scratch. I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I certainly don't hate my life or anything. That's the problem. I wouldn't change a single thing. But its overwhelming me. I go through every day waiting for my chest to be crushed in and my heart to pound hopelessly.

I haven't decided what I'm doing. I don't know if I should post this or not. Even if I do, it'll be too late. When anyone reads this, it will be tomorrow. By then I'll have buried these feelings and painted on a smile again. In the morning I can shrug this off. Now? Now I feel broken.

Maybe I'm being dramatic.

Maybe I'm imagining this fear that no one's listening.

Maybe Im crazy for this desire to scream until someone hears.

Maybe its all in my head.

The fear.

The pain.

The overwhelming notion that I just can't do this.

Maybe its time to start talking about it. Talk about it honestly, I mean.

I'm learning something. People aren't perfect. Not even the best ones. There are several people I love with all my heart. I'd give up anything and everything for them, if they merely asked. I know they'd do the same. But they aren't here right now. And I need them. Sure, thats not their fault. How can someone read my mind? They can't.

But I can't tell them that I need them. I like to think that its selflessness. It would be selfish to wake them up or demand their full attention from other important things. Still, I hope they know how much I need their attention.

I've felt like throwing up all day. Im not sure why. Do you remember earlier how I said I wanted to go away alone? It usually feels like I'm already in a strange place and all alone. Even when I'm home or with close friends. Its like a fog comes between me and the world. I know its there, but that doesn't mean I can see through it.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but something IS wrong. No one can fix that for me. Not a mom, not a best friend, not modern medicine, and certainly not me. I'm learning that. This isn't our battle. This is God's. He, and only He, can rid my heart and mind of their demons.

I often get angry at the unfairness. Sometimes, I have to pay the consequences of some thing that wasn't my fault. Sometimes, I get sick of being picked on, judged, and prodded. Sometimes, I want to be left alone. And sometimes, I just need a voice. I need someone to shut off that thirtieth episode of Psych or force themselves awake to talk me through my pain. Sometimes, I need someone who understands the pressure and the pain.

But still I don't ask for help. I sit here typing away, hoping that this blog post heals whatever is wrong. I know it won't. Sometimes, I stare at my phone hoping it'll light up with a message from someone I love. Usually, it doesn't.

Which is only fair. People are only human. They can't know everything. Not unless I tell them. And I can't always tell them. What I need is someone who knows my thoughts and someone who never takes "no" for an answer. I've found Him.

Here's an excerpt from this book I found: "The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them." Psalm 145:18-19

Goodness knows I need some saving! Maybe its time I stop waiting for people to do the saving. Maybe its time I open my arms and let My Savior do the thing He's so very good at. Saving me.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have a conversation to have with my Father. It's time I stop being so stubborn. It's time I let Him wipe away my tears.

I can't do anything without Him. I can't face the reproachful glances that come everytime I screw up. I can't find time for each of the million things that beg for my attention. I can't be patient for adulthood. I can't love anyone as Christ loved me. I can't fend off another panic attack. And neither can you.

Please don't take this as permission to abandon me. I firmly believe that one way God is taking care of me is by giving you to me. Your love is what keeps me from giving up every single day. Don't stop. I would just ask one teeny, tiny favor. Instead of trying to heal me with your own wisdom and love, bring me to His. I think we all need it more anyway.

One last thing. Do you remember my dilemma to post or not to post this? Im posting it. And I'm not even going to edit it. This is me. This is my heart, all poured out. I'm scared, but He's working on that.