"Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused."

My head is still throbbing. And I never saw it coming. The day was a somewhat normal, if trying, day. I sat down in a pew towards the back of the church, with a whole bunch of familiar faces surrounding me. But they didn't feel familiar. All I could think about as I sat there was how disoriented and out-of-place I felt. It was an odd sensation. I nestled into a comfortable place in the pew, and shoved the day's frustration out of my mind.

No sooner did I do so, and I got spiritually whacked upside the head. It was jarring, but Im glad it happened. I feel like myself again. My terrified, unsure self. But at least its a start.

In the course of the sermon, some verses from Philippians Chapter 4 were read. (Thats the spiritual slap.) So if you don't mind, I'll take a brief respite from my usual loony ravings and settle on something more akin to musings. I'll begin my musings at Philippians 4:6-7 (KJV)...

 ⁶Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
 ⁷And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Other versions use "anxious" instead of "careful." On the surface, these verses seem wonderful. Full of rainbows and sunsets and happiness. Its always been one of those passages to me.

Tonight, it hit me in another way. I confess this freely. I. Am. Anxious. About everything. College. Marriage. My future career. In the next five or so years I'll be making so many life-shaping decisions. At times it scares me senseless. I just want to huddle in a corner and wait for the young adult years to pass. What if I make a mistake? What if I act too soon? Or not soon enough? What actions, or inactions, will I regret ten years from now?

I think those questions are, by themselves, harmless and even natural. But they also have the tendency to eat a person (namely me) up, similar to the way I would devour a gigantic steak smothered in copious amounts of A1 sauce. Besides, the verse tells us not to be anxious. How on earth are we supposed to do that? I don't think complete apathy to our life is what it means. It says to make our requests known to God through prayer.

I feel like I'll be bringing up old subjects a lot tonight. Sometimes I wonder why we don't just go right ahead and request what we want. Im not saying demand it, and we certainly won't get what we want all the time. But instead of letting a desire (A car, for example.) consume us and then when we do pray we dance around the subject like we're guilty because we have a want, why don't we just be blunt and state that we want something? Of course, we still have to keep in mind that God's plan is far better than ours.

We act like God is waiting to rip anything we want out of our lives just to torment us.

That seems directly opposed to Verse 7. Im not sure I have to explain Verse 7. I couldn't make it any more clear if I tried. I know all this, yet sooner or later I always end up taking my life back into my own hands. Only to re-re-re-re-learn that I can't do it. Thats usually when I come crawling back into my Savior's arms. Back into the "peace of God."

As all this was going through my head, II Corinthians 12:9-10 (Those are my favorite verses for anyone curious.) popped in there...

 ⁹And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
 ¹⁰Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Honestly, these verses have a habit of leaving me speechless. I am the definition of weakness. Seriously, look it up in the dictionary. You'll see my picture. The idea that Im the way I am so that God can use me for His glory is almost too much for me to comprehend. My fears, my insecurities, my issues, they all make sense now. Or, at least, they're starting to.

I'll admit. Its terribly tempting to focus on the last little bit of Verse 10. The whole "then am I strong" part sounds nice, doesn't it? I wish I could be strong automatically because of my weakness. But its still hard. God still has to chip away at my stubbornness piece by piece. Im far from strong.

But everytime I read these verses, thats not the part I focus on. I can't tear my eyes off of, "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake." 

Enjoyment? Im supposed to be enjoying all of that awful stuff? Putting up with it, I can see. But finding pleasure in it? Being thankful for it? Thats just not possible. And maybe thats the point. I can't do it. Given enough selfish incentive I can struggle through distresses and persecutions and the like under my own power, but I'll never take pleasure in it. That can only be the work of God in my heart. Which I guess is what the verses are saying. God uses our weakness to showcase His strengths. Which I would guess is why He chose a shepherd to be king. And some fishermen to be apostles and prophets. How could any of that happen without God's hand behind it? It couldn't.

Now for the final verse, Im going back to Philippians 4. This time Verse 8...

⁸Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Chances are you've read this verse a million times. Its quoted in nearly every debate on the morality of certain entertainment choices. I think we're fitting a verse into our nifty little box, when it means so much more.

While it does apply there, I see another area we could be using this. Maybe its pushing us towards thinking thoughts like this...in general. We could choose to think about the unfairness of the world, or the bitterness of sin, but God asks us to think on His goodness. His creation. And His love.

I guess it comes back to the very name of this blog. I've already told you that "Sidereally Pensive" means "pondering in relation to the stars." I named it that for a very good reason. For as long as I can remember, when life got really insane I'd head to my familiar spot by my window, stare out into the night sky, and talk to God until I fell asleep.

Maybe its things like that, that the verse is refering to. Something as simple as staring at the stars just to be reminded of God's might. To think about those gigantic, swirling balls of burning gas unimaginably huge and hot. And to remember that the very same God who made them, also made me. And cares more about me (And humans in general), the shrivelled, dirty, weakling of a creation (which also describes humans in general), more than all the other creations in the universe. Be they planets, gravity, grass or giraffes. He loves me. I love Him. And maybe its time that I spend less time fretting over the relatively insignificant details of my life, and spend more time thinking about the simplicity and complexity of His Love.