Yellow

It’s an important thing. The color yellow, that is. Like a superhero of the color spectrum, he’s in an elite group. They call themselves, “Primary Colors!” The exclamation point is a big deal to them. Never forget the exclamation point when talking to a primary color. They’ll shut you up and make you look like a dilapidated rainbow. No one wants that. So, just do yourself a favor and throw in the exclamation point even if you aren’t feeling particularly “exclamatory” that day.

            If I may say so, yellow is the kindest of the primary colors. He’ll still kick your teeth in if you offend his elite status, but he promises to do it lovingly as long as you aren’t wearing red or blue anywhere on your person. If you happen to be in a school bus or wearing a bumblebee costume, he might forget the whole incident altogether. He really can be a reasonable guy.

            Just think about what kinds of things are yellow. You’ve got sunshine, daffodils, bananas, the gross kinds of tortilla chips, wax beans, brick roads, summer squash, part of Batman’s symbol, a Coldplay album, corn, and the best Angry Bird. The possibilities for yellow are endless. How can a color that is represented by so many inspiring objects be entirely bad? I don’t think we’ve given yellow a “fair shake.”

            I’ve seen this firsthand. One day when I was walking down the street just minding my own business, a yellow goat just leapt in front of me! I said to myself, the goat, and a nearby microwave operator, “The NERVE of that goat! I’ll bet he thinks he’s better than me and more deserving of a ham sandwich on rye bread! I won’t stand for this.” So I sat down in the middle of the street. The microwave operator continued to whisper to his burrito. Did I mention that? I didn’t? The man was whispering to his burrito! Who does that? Seriously, I’m fairly certain he was flirting with it. It was gross.

            Anyway, I couldn’t spend an absurd amount of time paying attention to the creepy burrito lover. I was being summoned by a goat. Have you ever been summoned by a goat? It’s unbelievable. You feel weak, patriotic, and a slight tingle in your leg. All of that makes a guy want to listen to the goat. So you do. This specific goat was yellow, as I’ve already mentioned. Obviously, he was giving me wise words of caution.

            He thought I should get off of the road. I found that a little strange since the yellow goat was the reason I was sitting in the middle of the street. I suppose that makes sense. If one’s sole purpose is to caution people, sometimes you must create danger.

            With all this in our minds, we must conclude several things. First, yellow is beautiful. Second, yellow holds on to its responsibility like a buffalo wing holds on to a helmet. Finally, I’m wearing a chicken suit. I hope you’ve all learned a lot from my presentation on the color yellow. Don’t forget any of it. Your life hinges on it.