Time travel is not impossible. We may all think it is, but in reality, it’s just moderately difficult. Imagine riding a unicycle over a livid mountain lion. It’s about that difficult. Most people believe that the time travelling itself is what poses the difficulty. That’s a myth. To leap from this point in space-time to any other place past, future, or present is fairly simple. Nearly every high school graduate with a microwave, three silver earrings, and a surfboard can figure it out.
Its relative ease is kept a secret from the general public for a very good reason. If everyone were to know of its availability, then anyone could have their own time machine. Before you could say “Albert Einstein,” all of space and time and matter itself would cease to exist. Don’t believe me? Try putting god-like power into the hands of billions of greedy, selfish, stupid people and tell me how it works out. Ah, but you won’t be able to tell me, because Time will have unraveled and we won’t exist. I guess I’ll have to figure it out for myself.
If you have any more intelligence than the average silkworm, you’ve probably had a question or two tumbling around in your “noodle.” First, you’re probably wondering who exactly is enforcing the secrecy of time travel. Secondly, you most likely want to know why I just called your brain a noodle. In all honesty, I’m just as clueless as you are regarding the second question, so I’m just going to skip that and jump right into the first one. Please be patient with me, as the answer can only be told in story form and not a simple answer like “Yup” or “Nope” or “Yes, Regis, that IS my final answer.” It won’t be that easy.
Several million years ago, time travel was discovered. (It’s a long story of legal processes, primordial paparazzi, and Patrick Dempsey. Whether he knows it or not, he’s the reason we don’t have time travel and also the reason Tears For Fears exists. That’s an entirely different story and frankly I think that one long-winded answer per question is quite enough. So, I’m going to skip it.) The TSCSMAU, which stands for Time Space Continuum Safety Management Association of the Universe, called an emergency meeting. They discussed the predicament and decided that “this sort of foolishness could not continue if happiness were to reign in the Universe.”
In as swift and decisive a manner as only the TSCSMAU can manage, they banished poor Patrick Dempsey back to his own time, erased his memory, and set in place certain rules for travelling through time.
They are as follows:
Rule #1: Time travel must be forwards and at the normal speed. Everyone may travel in this manner. Anyone who does not follow this rule will immediately cease to exist.
Rule #2: If anyone wishes to change direction and/or speed of the usual time travel, they must consult the TSCSMAU.
Rule #3: Upon consultation, The TSCSMAU will provide a list of necessary reading and a brief 45,388 page test to be completed before a license will be granted.
Rule #4: After that is completed, the applicant must receive a license. This requires spending 30,000 years in the Intergalactic DTTV (Department of Time Travelling Vehicles) and the mandatory purchase of a time share in Jamaica.
Rule #5: Pretty much no one will travel through time except at the predetermined speed and direction.
These rules would have dampened the hopes of many time-travelling prospects, except that no one knows that they exist. Thus, there were no prospects to dampen the hopes of. Thus, this was done intentionally. Thus, I’m going to stop saying “thus” because it’s getting old.
I’m actually breaking a few Galactic Laws by telling you all about this. (I’m also breaking a few writing rules by writing “thus” so often.) Don’t worry. People with the power to travel through time will make sure this doesn’t get very far. Before any damage is done, this paper will cease to exist.
That probably makes it a poor subject to write about, doesn’t it? Yeah, I guess it does. At least I have a better excuse than “my dog ate my homework.” Telling my teacher that “an intergalactic committee whose sole purpose for existing is to keep the ease of time travel a secret ripped my computer from my hands and deleted my nearly complete paper” seems much more believable.
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