Pundit

I am a political pundit. All day and all night I hunker down in front of a TV camera and willingly spew my hateful opinions on anyone and everyone who will watch. Its not a very cheery lifestyle, but it pays the bills. That's right. I pay my bills by having  strong and pointless opinions of other people's bills.


It's depressing and it really makes me consider quitting. One can only be an unwavering imbecile for so many years before it starts to grate on one's self. I actually would have quit already, but for the fact that I can't. I need this job. I need it because I have dreams to achieve.


I'm pretty sure I'm the only political pundit with dreams. I once called a meeting of "Pundits with dreams and/or a basic grasp of reality." Only one other guy showed up. He thought pundits meant "people who are small, love ponds, and constantly find themselves replacing "O"s with "U"s." We were both disappointed.


I don't even have average, normal person dreams. I have lofty dreams. My dreams are of such a high standard that they didn't even consider what's below the clouds. They all involve one thing. I want to be known as "THE PUNDIT!" Right now, I'm known as "a" pundit. No Caps Lock. No exclamation point. And certainly no "the."


Which is only fair. I haven't yet earned any of those things. I will though.I need to be the Cher of the political science world. And I have a plan to do it.


Here's how I'm going to accomplish this: I'm going to make a ton of puns.


Get it?


Get it?!?!


You see, "Pun" is in "pundit." Its a pun, you see. Do you really not see that? Its as bright as day! Seriously, its right there. Right in front of you. Pun. Pundit. Pun. Pundit.


*sighs*


This is loftier than I thought...


I must be surrounded by morons.


Well, even if you ARE far too stupid to understand this, I'll explain anyway. I promise to use small words and say them slowly.


Watch this...


Politicians are so lazy! If I were a politician, I'd never be legislate to work.


Did you catch that subtlety? I snuck "late" into the word "legislate." That's what I call a mastery of the English language.


Or how about this one?


I think I'll write up a bill. It will outlaw residential buildings being turned into nursing homes. I'll call it the "A House Is Not A Home" Bill.


I'm not gonna bother explaining this one. Just read it over until your idiotic brain gets it.


I can go all day with these. Actually, I think I will.


I'm going to start a program for renting out cats to families who aren't sure if they wish to own a feline. It'll be sort of like a test run. I'll call it "Demo-Cats." Someday, I hope that every family can have a "Demo-Cat" in their home.


Donkeys, People. Donkeys.


I'm going to nickname the President "Peaches." Then I'll start encouraging that he be impeached. Before long, people will be marching in the streets holding signs that say "Impeach Peaches."


OK, so that's not really a pun. Its closer to a funny situation. I just really want to see people yelling while holding signs that seem to say, "I'm Peach Peaches." It would just make me chuckle. You know, the absurdity of it...


I'm going to outlaw contests of any sort. Then I'll lead protests of any contests. There'll be Contest Protests. Of course, when the hype dies down from that, I'll have a contest between the Contest Protests to bring some interest back to them. Then I'll have a change of heart and protest my own Contest Protest Contest. You just watch. Three weeks from now I'll be at a Contest Protest Contest Protest.


I can just taste the fickle stupidity of America now.


And finally, I propose that America change the term "Senator" out for "Centaur." This will not only eliminate confusion and all other diseases, but it has a note of importance embedded in it. Think of that. Whose hand would you rather shake? Senator Stevens? Or Centaur Stenificus?


That last idea I'm sort of serious about. Not completely. It just sounds like a good idea to me...


I hope that one day I can be known for my wit and charm, instead of my irate rants. You might as well start calling me "THE PUNDIT!" now. Also, you might as well begin referring to your elected legislators as centaurs. That'll catch on faster than a baseball player made of Velcro. I can tell.


Signed,
THE PUNDIT!