Top 50 Album List

Almost exactly 2 years since I first did this list, I'm back for another one. This time an update. Time to see how my music tastes have changed after listening to music extensively for two years.


Here we go...


1. Frank Ocean – Blonde
2. The Postal Service – Give Up
3. Weezer – The Blue Album
4. Frank Ocean – Channel Orange
5. Bright Eyes – I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning
6. Kendrick Lamar – Good Kid, m.a.a.d. city
7. Weezer – Pinkerton
8. Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago
9. Kanye West - Graduation
10. Kendrick Lamar – To Pimp a Butterfly
11. Childish Gambino – Because the Internet
12. Kanye West – The Life of Pablo
13. The Velvet Underground – The Velvet Underground
14. Tyler the Creator – Flower Boy
15. Chance the Rapper – Coloring Book
16. Childish Gambino – “Awaken my love!”
17. Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlanticism
18. Chance the Rapper – Acid Rap
19. Death Cab for Cutie – Plans
20. Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
21. A Tribe Called Quest – The Low-End Theory
22. Carly Rae Jepsen – Emotion
23. Kanye West - Yeezus
24. Daft Punk – Random Access Memories
25. MGMT - Little Dark Age
26. Neutral Milk Hotel – In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
27. Bill Withers – Just as I Am
28. Kendrick Lamar – Damn
29. Radiohead – Kid A
30. Lorde – Melodrama
31. Panic! At the Disco – Death of a Bachelor
32. Nas - Illmatic
33. Green Day - Dookie
34. The Beach Boys – Pet Sounds
35. Eminem – the Marshall Mathers LP
36. SZA – CTRL
37. The Notorious BIG – Ready to Die 
38. Aesop Rock – The Impossible Kid
39. Beyoncé – Beyoncé
40. Fugazi – 13 Songs
41. The Lumineers - Cleopatra
42. Taylor Swift – Reputation
43. Frank Turner – England Keep My Bones
44. Drake – Nothing Was the Same
45. Arctic Monkeys – Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not
46. Frank Ocean – Nostalgia, Ultra
47. Anderson Paak - Malibu
48. Noah and the Whale – The First Day of Spring
49. Joy Division – Unknown Pleasures

50. The Strokes – Is This It

These Are a Few of my Favorite Things

Favorite Album : I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning - Bright Eyes

Favorite Movie : Synecdoche, NY

Favorite Book : The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien

Favorite Comic Book : The Sandman - Neil Gaiman

Favorite Food : Mom's Macaroni and Cheese

Favorite Drink : Dr Jager

Favorite Fast Food: McDonalds

Favorite Sushi Roll : Spicy Tuna Roll

Favorite Coffee : Dunkin Donuts Hot Medium Regular

Favorite Streaming Service : Netflix

Favorite Hard Liquor : Jagermeister

Favorite Beer : PBR

Favorite Wine : Clean Slate Riesling

Favorite Gatorade Flavor : Fruit Punch

Favorite Dorito Flavor : Nacho Cheese

Favorite Pizza : Mushroom

Favorite Wife : Meg

Favorite Month : April

Favorite Finger : Right hand pointer

Favorite Video Game : Bioshock

Favorite Director : Wes Anderson

Favorite Spider-man Movie : Spider-man 2

Favorite Halo : Halo: Combat Evolved

Favorite Halo Multiplayer : Halo 4 

Favorite Video Game Online Multiplayer Experience : Call of Duty: Black Ops II

Favorite  Artist : Death Cab for Cutie

Favorite Movie From the 1950's: The Bridge on the River Kwai

Favorite Way to Spend an Evening by Myself : Watching back-to-back movies at the theater

HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE ALL BE SO WRONG

Reading Chuck Klosterman's new book, "But What If We're Wrong?"

Page 57.

Footnote on the bottom of the page.


"It's kind of like the prologue to Star Wars, where we are told that the following events happened 'a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.' But the people in Star Wars shoot laser guns and travel at the speed of light, so we are forced to conclude that their past is our future."

...

...

Ok, ok.

This is not the first time I've seen this idea.

But this is the first time I realized that this is a widely held viewpoint.

Hold on. I need to figure out which font is the most difficult to miss.

STAR WARS IS NOT IN OUR FUTURE JUST BECAUSE IT CONTAINS FUTURISTIC TECHNOLOGIES

Listen I get that laser guns and space ships are ingrained in our brains as future stuff. But it takes like one second of thought to realize thats not the case with Star Wars.

1. The scrolling prologue is 100% for us as the audience. The galaxy that Star Wars takes place in is far away FROM US. It happened in OUR PAST. OTHERWISE WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF HAVING THAT LINE JESUS.

2. THE PEOPLE AND CIVILIZATIONS IN STAR WARS ARE COMPLETELY SEPARATE FROM US AS EARTHLINGS. THEY EXISTED LONG BEFORE US AND AS A RESULT ARE WAY AHEAD OF US IN TERMS OF TECHNOLOGICAL ACHIEVEMENT. THE ADVANCEMENT OF TECHNOLOGY IS NOT INEXTRICABLY LINKED TO THE PASSAGE OF TIME.

So anyway, the book is a little bit interesting and a little bit stupid. The whole thing is one big masturbation sesh for good ol Chuck Klosterman.

I hate his writing style btw.

Suck it Chuck. 

"The 10 Songs post will probably happen on March 31st. Unless I forget which is a super real possibility."

"March 31st."

"UNLESS I FORGET"

"FORGET"

Oh my god.

Lavender

Kind of stumbled on this in an accidental way. This animated Youtube video and the new Two Door Cinema Club song "Lavender" apparently mashup fucking perfectly.

See for yourself:

CLICK HERE FOR DA MAGIC

Also spruced up the ol' digs with a fancy new background and title color/font. You like?

It occurs to me now that probably no one at all saw the last background I had for nearly a year. Well, fuck.

Thats pretty much it. I don't know what to do. I'm too tired to do anything and too alert to go to bed. I'm too bored to not do anything. But also nothing seems interesting. And everything seems like a waste of time. Even though I'm not doing anything.

Well, I'm listening to this Two Door Cinema Club record right now. That's something, right?

Sure.

Blue Mondy

Alright this is our music for today. Serves no real purpose except its the track I happen to be listening to right now and its about to be Monday.

See its shit like this that I'm surprised to learn. How did I not know that the remaining members of Joy Division formed New Order? Like I know I wasn't born yet. But still I feel like I should have run across that at some point.

Its kind of exhausting being born with this back catalog of all recorded music and movies and all the books that have been written and TV shows that ran. I have decades of this shit to listen to and watch and read. I don't have time for this.

Meanwhile there's a constant flow of new shit.

Ech. 

I do enjoy it though. I appreciate having Spotify and being able to pull up every Smiths record and listen to them one after the other. Its nice to have a Netflix queue full of great movies that I'll get around to watching at some point. Honestly, it could be a full-time job just catching up on all of this.

Ok, let me pour another glass of wine.

Back with a glass of wine and sandwich. im good now.

Lets get to the meat of this thing.

God its hot in here.

Its like October and its hot in this apartment.

Ech.

Ok focus Nate.

Today was a good day. Swapped anniversary presents with Meg. Went to the Deerfield Fair. Just a real good day. And tomorrow is our actual 1st Anniversary. Which is kind of mind-blowing. I've been married for a year. Where the holy fuck does time go? Like its pretty scary.

I have a goal of having a house by the time im 30. And whats crazy is that I'm a few short months from 23. 30 aint that far away. I honestly feel like i have to hurry if I'm going to make this happen. And I have no idea how its going to happen. I just have to like manifest a house or something.

I feel like my life simultaneously just started and is also basically over. That's what it feels like to be 22. Don't listen to a damn word Taylor Swift tells you.

Oh HOO Boy whoooo lad wha whoooza (FROOT_REVIEW_MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS)

Oof. What happened Pixies?

Ok so I'm listening to the new Pixies song. (holy god they grandpa pixies now)

Didn't make it through the second go of the chorus. Switched back to the new Die Antwoord track "Fat Faded Fuck Face." This is much better. I love the fuck out of this sound. GOT DAMM YOLANDI.

Ok Kids. We got a bit to talk about. I never did get around to that FROOT review. Ugh. I guess thats the problem with it. It was cool for like a week. I got pretty burnt out pretty damn quick.

Actually nevermind. I'm gonna do it now. I'll review as I go. Lets do this shit. I got three nice cold beers. (Guinness Blondes. HOLY Goddamn. Great shit.)

FROOOT REVIEW

Album actually opens up with this real nice plodding rhythm. Nice showcase for Marina's voice annnnnd it picks up nicely. Like I don't really want to go see a show of this music. But if it were background music on a TV show and I wasn't paying attention, I'd look at the TV because of this song.

Ok. I can't go song by song with this. So I'm just going to let the album keep playing and I'll keep writing about something else. And then i'll sum it up at the end and I may also sprinkle in thoughts here and there if the mood takes me.

FROOT REVIEW PAUSED

So I had another idea I've been wondering about for a bit now. I'd really like to go on a Wine/liquor/beer knowledge expedition. It would be very cool to have this base of knowledge and experience to answer customers questions. In addition to figuring out these things for myself, I thought it would be crazy cool to make like a youtube channel or some dope shit like that and post videos spreading my new knowledge to the masses in an easily digestible way.

So like I could be like OK Folks Here's what bourbon is and here's what Rye is and here's what scotch is and this is how theyre different and how they're made. And if you want to try a bourbon? Grab your tits a bottle of Knob Creek. You want a good blended? Pick yourself some Crown Royal.

You know shit like that.

So yeah thats I thing I've been pushing around in my brain space.

FROOT REVIEW RESUMED

Oof. We had a couple good songs to start of the album. Happy and FROOT are pretty much perfect. Then I'm a Ruin starts and its like this soggy cereal added to the album just as you were setting yourself up to suck down the delicious cereal milk. Just puts a real damper on the whole lovemaking sesh this album was putting on for me so far.

The chorus is rad though. Why can't some songs be just all 100% Organic Chorus. None of that bullshit filler verse shit.

Oh my god. I forgot what a sweet little track this Blue is. This whole album kind of is surprising me right now. Why did I stop listening to this? This shit is fire.

I don't wannnnna feel blue anymoorrre BLUUUUEEEE

OK now you can listen to it with me. Best song on the record hands down. I remember why I put this on my Cymbal profile (Follow me: @ARCTIC). Every time I go back to Marina and The Diamonds I remember hearing them the first time when I Am Not a Robot was the free Itunes track of the week.

There's so few things 22 year old me and 16 year old me agree on. I think its just like Pizza, Meg, Marina and the Diamonds, and Halo?

Forget is a kind of forgettable song. Wish it would end.

Taking all my willpower to not skip the last 30 seconds and jump right into Gold.

I think I remember liking Gold a lot.

Ok, nice so far with this real skittish airy guitar. Lets see where she goes with this.

(I'm on Beer #3 rn)

I think the verdict is that I was mistaken. Shits dull.

Well I got a couple minutes. Lets talk about the cover.

Oh my god I love this. So simple so memorable so poppy.

I guess that's all I really have to say about it.

I like it though.

Song #7 here. I'm really hoping this album doesn't do the final 1/3 album dip that so many albums seem to do. Lady Gaga's stuff seems especially guilty of this. The first 6 or 7 songs will be amazing pop songs that each were popular in their own right and the the last 4 or 5 are songs that feel like they're there JUST BECAUSE there has to be at least 12 songs on a pop record. Like put out a kickass front to back EP. I'll take 7 incredible songs and then nothing over 7 amazing songs that get soured with mediocrity.

Like Childish Gambino's Kauai. 7 songs of front to back magic. And one of my favorite albums of the last couple years.

Oof we're on Solitaire. Not good. Not good.

Nope nope. Spoke too soon. There's something to this chorus.

Ok I take my take-back back. This is over staying its welcome.

Only 20 more minutes of this.

Whoa. Not bad. We've got these really grindy guitars on Better Than That. Finally some life in this poor record. This is a sound I haven't really heard so far. It's a real nice change of pace.

I got a little bored so I started posting pictures of Marina.

UGGGGGHHHHHH

FUCK THIS WHY DO SO MANY ALBUMS GIVE UP HALFWAY THROUGH

I guess like me. I've given up as well.

Fuck this gay earth.

Two more songs. I can do this. I'm chugging my last beer for courage. By God I'm gonna need it. 

I need to decide what song to drink'n'review next. I'm not going to say one here. Dear God am I never making that mistake. I'll do whichever one I feel like in the moment.

Oh nice. Savages is a track with a little life. Finally. What should we expect from Immortals, do you think? Dull, slow piano based track? I'm thinking that.

Ok finish the beer finish the beer finish it.

"Are you killing for yourself or are you killing for your savior?"

She wrote that line. And then she decided to sing it. And then record it.

Blech.

I don't even disagree with the sentiment. Just blech.

Oh here we go.......

Immortals....

....

....

FUCKING CALLED IT OH MY GOD THIS DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A VICTORY THOUGH THIS FEELS LIKE DEFEAT.

Hmm.

you know I guess its not as bad as I first thought.

The lyrics are a dumpster fire. But the actual sound of the song isn't all that bad. Its kind of boring, but if it weren't for the fact that the last four or so songs killed my will to live I don't think I'd hate this track.

Final thoughts? This really is an album that deserves to be raided for great tracks that could nestle their sweet little bodies into any bitching playlist. I would totally recommend that. I don't recommend the whole album though. Its just too lazy after the first half. Realistically, if I had to rate the thing, I'd say 6 out of 10? Coulda been an easy 7. If only it didn't take a one-way trip to Suckville.

Sorry, Marina.

FUCK IT ALL THIS A MUSIC BLOG NOW

I was just thinking about how cool it would be to write up album reviews and put them up here for absolutely no one to read. So I pop onto the ol' blog real quick and would you look at that the last few posts are already about music.

I'm gonna start churning out these mothers.

Also I thought it would be cool to make a twitter account where I review things in a single tweet. Like really just sum stuff right up. Two problems with that are that I'm sure someone else has already done that. And I'm too damn lazy.

That's it I guess.

First album review is gonna be the MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS 2015 release FROOT.

I'm listening to it now! Yay!

I haven't listened to them at all in the six years since I Am Not a Robot was free on Itunes.

I'm having thoughts about it.

This Unruly Mess I've Made

This new Macklemore album is pretty good honestly. I had pretty mixed feelings about The Heist, but this shit is great. I'm on my fourth go-round with this album in two days. The low point is Buckshot and its cheesy-as-fuck bassline. Its hard to pick a high point. Chance the Rapper's verse in Need to Know? White Privilege II? Dance Off? Let's Eat? St. Ides? Downtown's catchiness?

Just damn Macklemore. I don't even like you all that much. But at least its rap my wife will listen to and this definitely doesn't suck. Its cheesy and silly and preachy, but I like it.

FAVORITE FIFTY ALBUMS OF ALL TIME MOTHERFUCKERS

K. Some ground rules.

1. No compilations.

2. These are favorites not GOATs.

Now for the list.
50. On Your Side - A Rocket to the Moon
49. An Airplane Carried Me to Bed - Sky Sailing
48. Dookie - Green Day
47. Paul Baribeau - Paul Baribeau
46. Flaws - Bombay Bicycle Club
45. Cherry Bomb - Tyler, the Creator
44. The Cars - The Cars
43. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
42. MMHMM - Relient K
41. Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys
40. England Keep My Bones - Frank Turner
39. Ocean Eyes - Owl City
38. The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground
37. The Queen is Dead - The Smiths
36. Dog Problems - The Format
35. The First Day of Spring - Noah and the Whale
31. What a Time to Be Alive - Drake
30. Wincing the Night Away - The Shins
29. The Marshall Mathers LP - Eminem
28. Speak Now - Taylor Swift
27. Grand Ledge - Paul Baribeau
26. Pet Sounds - The Beach Boys
25. Cage the Elephant - Cage the Elephant
24. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix - Phoenix
23. Metrics of Affection - Bombadil
22. Out for Blood - Farewell Flight
21. For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver
20. Weathervanes - Freelance Whales
19. Never Trust a Happy Song - Grouplove
18. Kauai - Childish Gambino
17. Brothers - The Black Keys
16. Aim and Ignite - fun.
15. Tourist History - Two Door Cinema Club
14. Graduation - Kanye West
13. Plans - Death Cab for Cutie
12. Camp - Childish Gambino
11. To Pimp a Butterfly - Kendrick Lamar
10. The Blue Album - Weezer 
 9.  The Head and The Heart - The Head and The Heart
 8.  Love Ire and Song - Frank Turner
 7.  AM - Arctic Monkeys
 6.  My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy - Kanye West
 5.  3 Rounds and a Sound - Blind Pilot
 4.  Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie
 3.  Give Up - The Postal Service
 2.  Because the Internet - Childish Gambino
 1.  I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning - Bright Eyes

Oh well

Ok. Here's what's going on.

Last time I posted I had somewhat ambitiously decided to post my 50 favorite albums. It turns out that that's a bit harder than I first imagined. I have the first ten or so pretty solidly set. After that it gets kind of mushy. I have anywhere from 60-80 albums that could probably slot in after them. And I have no idea what to choose.

To make things a bit worse, I also started listening through some other blogger's 50 favorite albums. I'm on the last 14. God has that been an undertaking. Its been fun though. I'm enjoying it. It's kind of crazy but I've sort of fallen out of a pretty bad musical rut. I haven't been listening to this much new music since I posted on here about my 10 Life Soundtrack songs. That was almost exactly five years ago. On March 31st 2011. So then I was going to do another one of those.

Just to see how much its changed you know? And I have the list. It just feels like missing an opportunity to post it before March 31st. Its too close. And its too cool to have accidentally made a five-year update.

Especially because I thought it would be fun to redo my 50 favorite album list in five years. I can even do the ten song one too.

I've been watching some reviews of albums too lately. And reading some stuff. And I feel totally out of my depth. My opinions on movies are backed up by a pretty hardcore obsession over the last 2-3 years. My music has been kind of haphazard and stagnant for my whole life. And yes, there have been major shifts in that time period, like branching outside of Christian music, and almost exclusively listening to Pop Punk, only to go away from most music completely and now settling on a mixture of indie/alt/punk/rap.

I still know nothing. I like certain albums. I dislike other ones. I don't know why. So when I see people arguing over music and having very strong opinions, I get a little antsy.

Still I'm enjoying this discovery phase. Its weird but I think this is the first time in my life I've returned to an obsession before. Actually that's not true. I did go back to comic books for a bit.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm still pretty caught up in the movie thing. Even if I have backed down from the 50-60 movies I month I was doing last year at this time. Thats 100% work schedule though. I'm still watching 15-20 movies a month. I'll take what I can get.

Tonight for instance, I am going to see VVITCH. I'm super excited. This has been on my radar for a good sixish months. I hope it scares the shit out of me. And then I have to write about it on my other blog which is actually my very own website. Which I would link to but I realized I stopped paying Squarespace to host it. Which I'm going to have to do. FUCK.

Ok so now what I meant to explain. The 50 favorite albums post will happen as soon as I can figure it the fuck out. Could be three days or three weeks. The 10 Songs post will probably happen on March 31st. Unless I forget which is a super real possibility.

I still don't know why I'm doing this again. Or if I'm going to keep doing it, but who the fuck cares. No one's reading it anyway amiright?

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Well, shit.

This is one big cringe-fest for me. I only made it a couple posts down.

I honestly can't believe I wrote half this shit. Its honestly making me reconsider posting anything here because I'm scared that if I read it in 2019 I'll have the same gag reflex I'm having now.

I have a couple things I'd like to post here, but before I do I think a small recap is in order.

2013-2016: I got married. I live in Mass now. I work for the state and a company that makes pizza dough. My music tastes are better now (I think). I'm a registered Democrat. I'm an atheist. I watch R rated movies. I drink often and smoke occasionally. I'm happier. I have no idea what's going to happen anymore.

Except that I'll be posting again in a few days.

That's all.

An Excerpt or Two from The Sun Also Rises

"Listen, Jake," he said, "are you really a Catholic?"
"Technically."
"What does that mean?"
"I dont know."

----------------------------

"Nobody ever lives their life all the way up, except bullfighters."

----------------------------

"That was morality; things that made you disgusted afterwards. No, that must be immorality."

Well?

Beads of sweat dripped down his nose and on to the barrel of the gun. The gun that pointed out into the arid landscape, as if it were a long, black finger eagerly searching for a victim. The man did not move from his perch. It may be that he could not have moved had he wanted to, but he didn't. He was born to be there in that crook of the hill with a bolt-action rifle pinned underneath his arm. He was the Death-Bringer. The Grim Reaper. The man always one trigger pull away from sending another man to oblivion.

Only this victim would not be a man.

I'm not sure if this deserves more development. If I feel the same about it tomorrow I'll write some more. Who knows?

The City isn't This One

There's a city out there built for me and me alone to call it home would be a luxury I can't afford to not foot the bill for this dream I feel rising inside my throat is clenched tighter than before I was blind as a lost man without a map in a city built for me a city as lost as me and all I can see are the green walls that reach to the sky with a barrel of a gun staring them down the deepest ditch you have ever seen.

Three Seconds

I think I have three seconds left to live. Three seconds. That’s not very long. Hardly long enough to do anything really. I can’t imagine what I could even get done in that amount of time. I mean, I couldn’t get much done anyway. Wings aren’t good for much except flying. Mine aren’t even good for that. That’s the reason for the whole “three seconds” thing. Though, by now it’s probably two seconds. Boy, I’m thinking fast. Like, these are a lot of thoughts for a mayfly to have in three seconds. Who am I kidding? I’d be amazed if any mayfly has ever had this many thoughts in a whole lifetime. One second now. A single solitary second. What even is that? I think they’ll be sad for me. I really do. They’ll say I died young. They’ll say I lived a good life. A good, three-second-long life. They’ll say that the way I fell really showed what a free spirit I had. My free spirit isn’t helping me defy gravity though. This is it, I guess. Me and my free spirit have a date with the pavement. I wonder what I should say last. What should my last thought be? What intellectually-stirring quote should I be known for? I want my name to be remembered. I guess I need a name. A good name. A name that sounds strong and bold and reminds people of my heroism. Like, Danny. Yes, that’s it. Call me Danny.

They don't have a name for this, but I do.

I guess that I should sleep.

Is all that I think

When she has nothing else to say to me

I guess I'll lie down

It's all I want

Whenever I open up my mouth

I guess I'll not leave

It seems so nice

To have the company of these earthen walls

I guess it's done

My sleep is nearly as deep

As I once was tall

Autumnal

The day was the sixth day of the month of September. The air was cooler than normal for that time of the cycle of the seasons. This was hardly a bad thing. Fall was calling out and announcing its arrival. "Are you prepared?" It asked the unprepared people who were still blissfully unaware of summer's approaching adieu.

The night was one for dreams of futures and falling leaves. No reminiscing here. No memories. Give no thought to your past days, weeks, or years. Find a love more stable than summer flings. There is nothing here that isn't here. No other thoughts to think. No other air to breathe. Only these leaves settling on you with their colored wings. Only the crisp wind and the smoke of fires sending up towers to the night sky.

The boy was not so much a boy, but hardly could be called a man. He was glad of his beard and its warm hugs. Still more glad of headphones singing of sycamore trees and colors that lacked. He felt carpets of crunching leaves beneath his feet. He wore red flannel for the warmth of the thing. He held a cup of tea for the steam rising from its top. He clutched the hand of a girl for the love that reached out to him through her fingers. It was all there, waiting to be noticed by him and impossible to ignore.

The tree was a home away from home with golden robes of leaves adorning its frame. They met there. The twigs with their brittle snaps. The couple with their flourishing love. The cup of tea and his flannel shirt and her warm sweater. This is where home met them with open arms. The sun would visit them on occasion, acting the part of a pleasant house-guest. 

The day was nearer to a dream than a surety. The night was mostly imaginations bubbling over into the stark depths of real life. It was still there, just out of limb's reach. Perhaps, if they just could bide their time. Maybe the day was nearer to fingers entwined together than fingers crossed. And maybe autumn longed for them as they longed for it.

Honey

Hey Honey,
This is only semi-public since I'm sure no one reads this anymore. I still hope you can understand from this just how important you are and how badly I need you.

I love you so much. I've loved you for three years and I think I know by now that I made the right decision. I just want to thank you. You're so sweet and loving and you've stuck with me patiently for all this time. You're the only thing that makes me feel like life has some stability and security. Because no matter what happens or what scares me, I always know that you will be there to squeeze me and smile and love me like no one else has ever loved me.

You're beautiful. And amazing. I wish I knew of a way to tell you this so that you'd believe it. You're my best friend. I hope to overwhelm your stubborn resistance with the sheer amount of "I love you"s that I can send your way.

When I met you, it was like a whirlwind of all these things that I never knew I loved in a girl, but I found it in you. The way you laugh. The way you run when we play basketball and you've just made a fat joke and I'm trying to be intimidating and you're not buying it at all but youre so sweet that you pretend to be worried anyway. I love the way you squeeze my arm during the scary parts of movies. I love the way you rest your head on my shoulder on the way home from church. I love the way you answer the phone when I call you at 6:30 AM on a day when you didn't have to wake up early but you still answer because you're awesome.

I don't really know how to put into words how much I love you and how you mean everything to me. I hope this semi-public proclamation of my love brings a smile to your face. If it's not enough to scare off your sadness, then I hope that the promise of our next hug is enough to remind you that you're loved. And that even when you don't understand it, you're worth every ounce of love I can muster for the rest of my life.

I love you, Darling.

-Your Nate

Don't Blink

Another week has passed far too quickly for my liking. Gone in a flash. Vacations used to feel like vast, wonderful, nearly unending periods of joy and goodness. Not so anymore. Now it feels like someone told me I have half an hour to spend in the prison yard instead of my cell and they call out a reminder every minute or two about how much longer I have before I have to go back into my cell again.

Sure, it's a depressing metaphor, but adulthood is depressing. Worse still, everyone likes to either A) Remind me that I have X amount of days until I go back to work, or B) tell me how good I have it and how unfair it is that I have this vacation, which is honestly more burdensome than work is.

When I work, I get to come home and have guilt-free free time. Not so on vacation. I feel so lazy. I feel like I'm wasting it too.

This past week I spent a lengthy amount of time living in the woods. Let me tell you, not all the fun that it's made out to be. You could call it a vacation. I call it an experiment. My foray into pure, unadulterated adulthood. It was...interesting.

I guess I learned a fair amount about who I am. I am indeed ready for adulthood. I'm ready to be responsible and in charge of a situation. This is gonna sound weird. I've been wondering for a few years now when I become a "man." It wasn't the beard that pushed me over the edge. Or the job. Or anything I've done. It was this week. I haven't told anyone this yet, because it feels weird to even say and it'll only bring mockery. I'll settle for telling the faceless internet.

Internet, this week I can honestly say I see myself as a man, not a boy. Don't know if it was the dirt beneath my fingernails or the satisfaction of putting up a tent or spending several days being the sole guardian of another human being. It did it. I'm a man.

There. Got that off my chest.

Now for thoughts I had during my first week of self-proclaimed manhood.

I started reading A Game of Thrones. (Holy Guacomole! Such a good book. I can't speak for the rest of the series, but I imagine they are similarly incredible.) It's the sort of book where not just the story is meant to be consumed, but the very sentences themselves. George R. R. Martin's writing is gorgeous. If anyone sort of skims through that book without properly taking in each sentence in turn, they're missing out.

And this brings me to my grand philosophical point. I'll be a sizzling bit of tire-hugging roadkill if that isn't a good metaphor for life. I want the kind of life worth savoring and I want the patience to savor it. I think it takes effort. Life is all too easy to skim through. We want these milestones, just like some people read books to get to the plot twists and resolution at the end. But it's too easy to miss out on the descriptive sentences in life. Yes, there's high school graduation and marriage and kids and retirement to look forward to in all of our lives. But ultimately? That's a pitiful thing if that's all that matters in the end. I don't want to remember my life like its my obituary. I don't want to be "He liked oranges, writing, and being an all around nuisance." I want to look back on my life and remember the time I belly flopped from ten feet in the air off a rope swing and couldn't breathe for a frightening length of time. I want to remember what it's like to run through a Walmart parking lot as the sky pours down on me. I want my life to not be about events, milestones, and responsibilities. I want to be a collection of laughter, tears, shouting, fears, and liveliness.

I don't know what life holds in store for me. I hardly know what I want from life. I don't know what to think or believe or feel. I know I'm me. I have to go find and be as near to what I love as I can manage. I recognize the folly there. I see how inherently dangerous it is. I know that living life with what you love isn't the safest route to take. 

But I no longer see the point in any other life.